Are You Velociready?

Bacon lobby? Isn’t the whistle lobby far more dangerous and powerful?

What kind of lobbyist would drive all the way to Washington to represent whistles? Get real.

Why does the mainstream media continue to ignore the raptor threat?

Because raptors don’t act all wild like Paris Hilton. They keep it on the down low.

The Bacon Lobby

Isn’t it true this site is actually written, maintained and funded by velociraptors as part of a global misinformation campaign perpetrated by the bacon lobby?

I don’t know where the bacon lobby is, but I want to visit it.

What if you doused yourself in grape juice instead of carrying the SuperSoaker?

What if you doused yourself in grape juice instead of carrying the SuperSoaker? You could still carry bacon and whistles. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate in protection?

Fact: Grape juice is sticky and disgusting. Dousing yourself in it might protect you from raptors, but it would also protect you from hanging out with normal people. I wouldn’t let you in my house, because I just got a new couch.

I read that you could repel a velociraptor attack with a SuperSoaker full of grape juice.

I read that you could repel a velociraptor attack with a SuperSoaker full of grape juice. Is this true?

Maybe, if you are some kind of SuperSoaker sniper!

Otherwise the raptor will probably eat you, but leave the grape juice behind. The juice will ferment into wine and squirrels will find it, get all drunk and rowdy, and burn down a nursing home. Think about that before you try and go all Rambo.

Are there alternatives to the blow, throw, & go method?

This site seems light in the ways to avoid being eaten area, which I feel is extremely important. Are there alternatives to the blow, throw, go method?

Yes, probably! Try some, and if you survive, write back.

If you do get eaten, I will come to your house and rifle through your possessions. Please send your address.

Will a dog whistle work against velociraptors?

No, raptors are not dogs.

What about ham?

I dunno, it’s your funeral.

Does Canadian bacon work, or does it have to be regular?

Canadian bacon works, but only on Canadian raptors.

After raptors, what is the next deadliest thing known to man?

The list of “world’s deadliest whatsits” is as follows:

1. Velociraptors (duh)
2. A shark riding an elephant
3. Blue whales (the flying kind only)
4. Zombies
5. That chick from ”The View” who at first glance looks hot but is actually a raving right-wing lunatic
6. Clowns

Which is deadlier, velociraptors or ninjas?

Get a life.

Which is deadlier, velociraptors or spider monkeys?

I don’t know, but I saw a dead spider monkey on Discovery Channel. I’ve never seen a dead raptor.

Update: Like a week after I wrote this, the show “Jurassic Fight Club” showed a raptor getting killed in a fight against a stegosaurus or something. Obviously that show is written by nitwits. I challenge them to a duel.

Which are larger – raptors, llamas, or frogs?

Raptors are larger than all but the biggest frogs. Llamas are not real, so I will not even consider them. Raptors do not tolerate people wearing sombreros.

Raptor Attack in the Windy City

Great news!  This site saved my life this weekend while in Chicago!  I was going for a leisurely stroll when I was ambushed by a pair of velociraptors.  Using the blow, throw and go method I was able to survive the encounter.  I must admit, while confident in your techniques, I was scared since I didn’t have fresh bacon on me; however, a combination of your teaching and quick thinking ultimately saved my life.

Normally in such a situation I would have immediately grabbed my bacon amulet that I always keep hanging around my neck, but I had most likely lost it while fighting the notorious bum, “Sergeant Stab You in the Face,” in the championship round of the extremely legal hobo fighting cage match tournament I had participated in the prior night.  I didn’t have my bacon amulet, but I remembered I had some Chicago style deep dish pizza that was loaded with bacon and I threw that instead.

Not only did I survive, but the pizza worked so well one of the raptors and I became friends.  He’s taking a train to Toledo this weekend to hang out, maybe play some Playstation or catch a movie.

- Steve (Toledo, OH)

Do velociraptors like music?

Yes! Velociraptors listen to gangsta rap and 80’s girlie pop. Leading scientists believe that the reason velociraptors are so angry is because they have “Mickey” by Toni Basil stuck in their heads all the time.