OH, GOD, THE PAIN,WHY? IT’S RIPPING MY TORSO IN HALF, OH THE PAIN…....

With his dying breath, Duncan managed to send me this image. It appears to show a small blue man waving at a large green chicken, and a totally terrified stick figure surrendering to a baby raptor.

Bad move, stick figure. Raptors, like gazelles, can run and jump from the moment they are born. Unlike gazelles, they are also able to disembowel from birth. Mr. Sticks is lucky he doesn’t have bowels, otherwise he would have voided them all over Dunceman’s nice white JPEG.

Utahraptors, or “Mormon Turkeys”, are none of my concern. As far as I can tell, they were made up in the early 1990s by “scienticians” who were jealous of the raptor’s fearsome claws and prowess with the ladies. These so-called experts also decided that the Mormon Turkey should have special celestial undergarments made of feathers. Well done, jerkwads.

I would like to offer my condolences to Duncan’s family and remind them that, in accordance with this site’s submission guidelines, I have 30 days to come to Duncan’s house and rifle through his possessions. Anything I don’t want will be auctioned off and used to buy bacon for orphans of raptor attack.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Carry your whistle and keep a pork product handy, lest you end up like our starving dead artist friend Duncan.

– Alan Bruce

Jared Asks:

Can Chuck Norris kill a velociraptor?

OK, first of all, Chuck Norris would never fight *a* raptor. Raptors hunt in packs and firmly believe in the buddy system. That’s like asking, “Can Chuck Norris wear a pant?”

But seriously, this is a difficult question for me to answer. I would really like to believe that Chuck Norris is some sort of wily superhuman, we have to face some inconvenient truths.

So if you ask me, it’s pretty simple. One roundhouse-kicking Ned Flanders wannabe vs. the badass reptiles that took out Robert Muldoon, the planet’s foremost big game hunter. Not much of a fight.

You know what is cool about Chuck Norris, though? His real name is Carlos. That’s pretty rockin.

– Dr. V

Hi there, was wondering what would be the appropriate age to have “the talk” with my kids about velociraptors?

Thanks, Carol B.

Dear Carol Bee (Bzzzzz….),

It’s good to see somebody out there finally being a responsible parent and terrifying their kids at a young age. It’s a scary world out there, what with the economy, Glenn Beck, and reality TV, so the earlier you introduce those rugrats to pure reptile horror, the less likely they are to end up dead (or on reality TV).

The right age to teach your kids about the dangers of roving raptors is eight. I find that kids younger than that can’t pronounce the word “velociraptor” correctly. Sure, its adorable when kids mispronounce big words, but I don’t need a bunch of six-year-olds running around screaming their heads off about “las rappers”. That steals focus from the real problem at hand.

Fortunately, Carlos, you don’t need to have “The Talk” at all, because there is already an award-winning documentary about the dangers of raptors. It’s called Jurassic Park, and it’s available at your local video store. Rent that sucker and sit your kids down on the couch. After two or three viewings, they will have absorbed all the raptor preparedness they’ll ever need.

It’s possible that your kids aren’t quite eight yet, and thus not ready for raptor training. In the meantime just keep packing bacon in their school lunches, and encourage them to make some fat friends. Raptors love fatties.

Keep on truckin’,

- Doc V.

This is the most brilliant thing I have ever seen.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-candy/c399/

It’s Tactical Canned Bacon that stays fresh for 10 years. Keep a can of this in your car and never worry about untimely raptor attack again.

Disclaimer: I’m not being paid to endorse this product… yet.

I suspect my boss, John, is a velociraptor, before I stake him through the heart how can I be sure?

Thanks.

Steve B

Having a velociraptor for a boss is a sticky situation. He could fire you at any time, or he could just eat your face. Here are some ways to tell if your boss if a raptor.

1. Bring a slab of raw bacon to work and put it on your desk. If it turns up missing, your boss is probably a raptor. If he tells you to get rid of it, he’s probably still a raptor and is trying to get you to throw it out so he can fish it out of the trash later.
2. Lace your boss’s food with habanero pepper extract. If he is a raptor (or a very large bird) he won’t react to it because dinosaurs aren’t sensitive to capsaicin.
3. The next time your boss gives you an unpleasant assignment, blow a whistle very loudly and run away. If you find that your boss has disappeared into the jungle in search of prey, he’s probably a raptor. If you come back to your desk and he’s standing there scowling at you, you’re probably fired.

Of course, in this down economy, having a raptor for a boss might just be an acceptable risk. If you are eaten by raptor, your next-of-kin can collect double life insurance. You’ll still be dead, but your relatives will thank you.

Keep it real,

- Doc V.

I’ve read that eating extra bacon can boost my immune system and protect me from, among other things, the Swine Flu.  Is that a fact or just another myth perpetrated by the Bacon Lobby?  The reason I ask is, if I eat all of my bacon, I will be left defenseless against velociraptors and I fear blowing my whistle without backing it up with bacon will actually attract velociraptors to me instead of giving me time to escape.

Thanks.

Steve B

Can you contract the Swine Flu from sharing a restroom with a velociraptor?

Thanks.

Mr. Name Withheld

Dear Nitwit-helds,

A velociraptor is not a swine. Velociraptors eat swine, but eating pork is not a cause of swine flu. Bacon, as a pork product, will neither cause nor prevent swine flu, but it will make you delightfully obese.

You needn’t worry about running out of bacon, as the Bacon Lobby has plans to manufacture it from third world children in the event of a pig shortage.

My sources tell me that swine flu was invented by Rush Limbaugh to sell more copies of his latest book, The Necronomicon. As long as you don’t share the restroom with him, you’ll be fine.

Keep on truckin’,

Dr. V.

This site talks about the most terrifying bird on Earth. How would it stack up to a Velociraptor?

http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/cassowary-terryfying-bird-earth/10022

Lame bird fact: A CASSOWARY is a stupid blue turkey from New Gondwanaland that lives in the mountains and sometimes kicks people with its mighty turkey feet. A cassowary once accidentally killed a 13-year-old boy during the Great Depression, when everybody was already weak from hunger and lack of stock options. Due to this single historical fluke, some asshat scientists dare to call the cassowary the deadliest bird ever.

Totally awesome fact: A VELOCIRAPTOR is a rockin’ dinosaur from the Paleozoic era that lives in the shadows and kills millions of healthy and non-depressed people annually. Its claws are harder than iron and sharper than rocks. Velociraptors can’t fly, but if they could, you can bet there would be no other animals left on earth, not even your precious cassowaries.

Mazel tov, and thanks for all the turkey,

- Dr. V

I’ve been suspecting some “humans” are velociraptors for a while now. Kenny Rogers and Karl Rove specifically.
- Chris

Dear Chrispus (Attucks),

Sorry it took me so long to answer your question! I had to consult with top minds, which was hard because I don’t know any, so I finally just made something up. Here are the facts:

- Velociraptors are cold-blooded
- Karl Rove is cold-blooded
- Velociraptors like to feast on the blood of the innocent
- Karl Rove eats a live puppy every day for breakfast
- Velociraptors lurk in the shadows waiting to pounce on their prey
- Karl Rove lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce on liberals and cheeseburgers
- Velociraptors can be momentarily diverted with bacon and whistles
- Karl Rove can’t be diverted, even by bacon and a court order
- Velociraptors have three fingers on each hand
- Karl Rove has at least five fingers on each grasping claw

Conclusion: Karl Rove is a raptor who has somehow learned to dress himself and gained executive privilege. He should be considered extremely dangerous.

In the matter of Kenny Rogers…. Come on! Have you seen that guy lately?!?!!  He looks like Joan Rivers with a goatee. Definitely not a raptor.

Kenny Rogers, circa 2007

Keep on truckin!

- Doc V.

Dear Velociready—

Which world leaders have an actual stance on

1. the threat of Velociraptor Domination?
2. the tyranny of the powerful Bacon Lobby which continues to put a stop to my bacon/raptor research?

Your assistance in these matters is greatly appreciated. As I’m sure you are aware, we are running out of time.

Sincerely,
Dr. Peemkaew

Dear Pemmican,

The following world leaders have anti-raptor policies:

1. Winston Churchill
2. Nikita Khrushchev
3. Sayonara Tojo

These leaders have pro-raptor policies:

1. Kim Il-Sung
2. Bill Pullman, who played the president in “Independence Day”

According to Barb, who is always trying to rain down facts on my parade of happiness, all of the leaders listed above are now out of power, dead, or not real. I guess that means that velociraptor defense is in the hands of ordinary Joe the Plumbers and Tito the Neurosurgeonamancers. Wait, not Joe the Plumber. I hate that guy.

The Bacon Lobby is financed by two of history’s greatest monsters, Bob Evans and the ghost of Jimmy Dean. No leader in the world would dare stand up to them.

Hello,

I was recently driving through the countryside of Pennsylvania when I spotted a small tribe of what I believe to be a new form of velociraptor.  They’d draped themselves in black fabric and were selling homemade quilts and preserves out of a small booth by the side of the road.  Afraid they might run my car down and slash the tires, I threw a good four pounds of bacon out of my window, but they merely thanked me and invited me to their lair for dinner.  Naturally I immediately sped away from the obvious trap, but their eerily-human faces still invade my thoughts as I pace away my sleepless nights.

Please provide a suitable defense technique to ward off this most loathsome variety of mankind’s oldest enemy.
-Alex

Dear Jeffrey,

Real “bone-uh-fied” raptors do not wear clothing. For one thing, it cramps their style. Also they have tiny arms and cannot button buttons.

What you saw was instead a highly-evolved form of bum. They call themselves “the Amish”, which is Dutch for ultra-mega-bum. According to my calculations, these black-caped crusaders are not deadly, just annoying.

You lost some perfectly good bacon, but you were right to run away from them. They would have tried to teach you things and sell you furniture, which is one step away from disembowelling in my book.

Keep on truckin’,

- Dr. Velociraptor

So who is the true authority on this subject, you or this guy: http://www.velociraptors.info?

I have suspicions that this site is actually made my Velociraptors. Should I be concerned?

First of all, this site was definitely not made by raptors. Raptors don’t know how to touch type, so they have to dictate everything to a secretary. And good luck finding a secretary that will work for raptors!

Second, there can be more than one authority in a certain field. Think of me and this other guy as the pope and Billy Graham. I forget which one of us is which. But I’m definitely not Billy Graham.

This other guy doesn’t promote the Blow, Throw, and Go method, but I give him credit for promoting velociraptor attack awareness.

The raptor came from the left, and reached my friend first. My friend tried to defend himself, but all he had was a kazoo and a stale bagel. He blew the kazoo, but no sound came out because a kazoo is not a real instrument and nobody knows how to play them anyway. Then he threw the bagel, but the raptor was not impressed. Seconds later, the raptor pulled out my friend’s spine and yelled “FATALITY!” like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. I made up that last part, but that would have made the whole thing either less or more traumatic.

After my friend died, I swore I would teach the whole world what to do in case of raptor attack so that the terrible tragedy that befell my friend would never happen again. I spent three years in a bus station in New Jersey, researching various methods of distracting bums. Bums are like practice raptors, by the way. They have the same reptile brain and zesty odors as a raptor, but without the deadly claws.

Finally, I gave up and took the bus back to Manitoba. Two weeks after I got home, I was walking through the same woods when I heard a rustle, and suddenly the same raptor that killed my friend leapt out from behind a bush. I could tell it was the same raptor because he had a birthmark on his right haunch that looked like Roger Ebert.

As it just so happens, I was carrying a whistle from my job as a part-time lifeguard at the Dairy Queen, and half a pound of bacon from same. I blew the whistle, threw the bacon, and that raptor took off running like a dog chasing a truck full of Milk-bones being driven by Toonces the cat from Saturday Night Live. I escaped with my life, and then I started this website in remembrance of my dead friend, Pope John Paul II. That’s right, he died of a raptor attack.