Are You Velociready?

Are Velociraptors Even Real?

Are Velociraptors even real or do they belong on this here list: http://tinyurl.com/ylh4wm3

-Mickelbar Nelson

Dear “What the hell kind of a name is Mickelbar?”,

Seriously. Your mother is fired. Unless you are related to Craig T. Nelson, former star of TV’s Coach. That would be awesome.

So, let’s take a look through your list, which is titled “7 Lamest Yet Widely Believed Cryptozoological Hoaxes”. We’ve got three diseased rabbits, two snakes, some cardboard fairies, and something called a “fur-bearing trout”.

Fur-bearing trout, eh? Here’s the thing, Michaelmas. Velociraptors aren’t cryptozoological. They’re real. You can wander into any museum worth its bacon salt and see a raptor skeleton. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But those skeletons are millions of years old! Raptors went extinct!” Horse d’ouevers! Velociraptors didn’t go extinct. They just went underground.

Let us consider the ninja. In ancient Japan, ninjas wandered around kicking ass. Now you hardly see any ninjas. But do you doubt that they’re still out there? Of course not. In conclusion, velociraptors eat ninjas for breakfast, with a side of fur-bearing trout.

So, Mickey Mouse, the choice is yours. But on the highly likely chance that raptors do end up killing you, please send your address so I can come to your house and rifle through your possessions.

Don’t stop believin’,

– Dr. V

So who is the true authority on this subject, you or this guy?

So who is the true authority on this subject, you or this guy: http://www.velociraptors.info?

I have suspicions that this site is actually made my Velociraptors. Should I be concerned?

First of all, this site was definitely not made by raptors. Raptors don’t know how to touch type, so they have to dictate everything to a secretary. And good luck finding a secretary that will work for raptors!

Second, there can be more than one authority in a certain field. Think of me and this other guy as the pope and Billy Graham. I forget which one of us is which. But I’m definitely not Billy Graham.

This other guy doesn’t promote the Blow, Throw, and Go method, but I give him credit for promoting velociraptor attack awareness.

What makes you such an expert on velociraptors and bacon anyhow?

It all dates back to a traumatic experience I had when I was twelve. I was walking in a clearing in the forest with my best friend, when suddenly a velociraptor came crashing through the trees.

The raptor came from the left, and reached my friend first. My friend tried to defend himself, but all he had was a kazoo and a stale bagel. He blew the kazoo, but no sound came out because a kazoo is not a real instrument and nobody knows how to play them anyway. Then he threw the bagel, but the raptor was not impressed. Seconds later, the raptor pulled out my friend’s spine and yelled “FATALITY!” like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. I made up that last part, but that would have made the whole thing either less or more traumatic.

After my friend died, I swore I would teach the whole world what to do in case of raptor attack so that the terrible tragedy that befell my friend would never happen again. I spent three years in a bus station in New Jersey, researching various methods of distracting bums. Bums are like practice raptors, by the way. They have the same reptile brain and zesty odors as a raptor, but without the deadly claws.

Finally, I gave up and took the bus back to Manitoba. Two weeks after I got home, I was walking through the same woods when I heard a rustle, and suddenly the same raptor that killed my friend leapt out from behind a bush. I could tell it was the same raptor because he had a birthmark on his right haunch that looked like Roger Ebert.

As it just so happens, I was carrying a whistle from my job as a part-time lifeguard at the Dairy Queen, and half a pound of bacon from same. I blew the whistle, threw the bacon, and that raptor took off running like a dog chasing a truck full of Milk-bones being driven by Toonces the cat from Saturday Night Live. I escaped with my life, and then I started this website in remembrance of my dead friend, Pope John Paul II. That’s right, he died of a raptor attack.