Intelligent super-raptors? HELP
Hello,
I was recently driving through the countryside of Pennsylvania when I spotted a small tribe of what I believe to be a new form of velociraptor. They’d draped themselves in black fabric and were selling homemade quilts and preserves out of a small booth by the side of the road. Afraid they might run my car down and slash the tires, I threw a good four pounds of bacon out of my window, but they merely thanked me and invited me to their lair for dinner. Naturally I immediately sped away from the obvious trap, but their eerily-human faces still invade my thoughts as I pace away my sleepless nights.
Please provide a suitable defense technique to ward off this most loathsome variety of mankind’s oldest enemy.
-Alex
Dear Jeffrey,
Real “bone-uh-fied” raptors do not wear clothing. For one thing, it cramps their style. Also they have tiny arms and cannot button buttons.
What you saw was instead a highly-evolved form of bum. They call themselves “the Amish”, which is Dutch for ultra-mega-bum. According to my calculations, these black-caped crusaders are not deadly, just annoying.
You lost some perfectly good bacon, but you were right to run away from them. They would have tried to teach you things and sell you furniture, which is one step away from disembowelling in my book.
Keep on truckin’,
- Dr. Velociraptor