Velociraptor Attack Preparedness FAQ’s

  • Can Chuck Norris Kill a Raptor?

    Jared Asks:

    Can Chuck Norris kill a velociraptor?

    OK, first of all, Chuck Norris would never fight *a* raptor. Raptors hunt in packs and firmly believe in the buddy system. That’s like asking, “Can Chuck Norris wear a pant?”

    But seriously, this is a difficult question for me to answer. I would really like to believe that Chuck Norris is some sort of wily superhuman, we have to face some inconvenient truths.

    Things Chuck Norris Does Things Velociraptors Do
    Chuck Norris votes Republican. Velociraptors eat Republicans. And anyone else, for that matter.
    Chuck Norris spends his spare time promoting fitness equipment. Velociraptors don’t have any spare time. They are always on the way to kill something or on the way back from it.
    Chuck Norris looks like Ned Flanders with a big hat. Velociraptors look like fear, with just a smidge of crocodile.
    Chuck Norris writes Christian cowboy novels. Velociraptors don’t write, but if they did it would be stuff about clowns dying. I hate clowns.

    So if you ask me, it’s pretty simple. One roundhouse-kicking Ned Flanders wannabe vs. the badass reptiles that took out Robert Muldoon, the planet’s foremost big game hunter. Not much of a fight.

    You know what is cool about Chuck Norris, though? His real name is Carlos. That’s pretty rockin.

    – Dr. V

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  • Are Velociraptors Even Real?

    Are Velociraptors even real or do they belong on this here list: http://tinyurl.com/ylh4wm3

    -Mickelbar Nelson

    Dear “What the hell kind of a name is Mickelbar?”,

    Seriously. Your mother is fired. Unless you are related to Craig T. Nelson, former star of TV’s Coach. That would be awesome.

    So, let’s take a look through your list, which is titled “7 Lamest Yet Widely Believed Cryptozoological Hoaxes”. We’ve got three diseased rabbits, two snakes, some cardboard fairies, and something called a “fur-bearing trout”.

    A fur-bearing trout

    Fur-bearing trout, eh? Here’s the thing, Michaelmas. Velociraptors aren’t cryptozoological. They’re real. You can wander into any museum worth its bacon salt and see a raptor skeleton. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But those skeletons are millions of years old! Raptors went extinct!” Horse d’ouevers! Velociraptors didn’t go extinct. They just went underground.

    Let us consider the ninja. In ancient Japan, ninjas wandered around kicking ass. Now you hardly see any ninjas. But do you doubt that they’re still out there? Of course not. In conclusion, velociraptors eat ninjas for breakfast, with a side of fur-bearing trout.

    So, Mickey Mouse, the choice is yours. But on the highly likely chance that raptors do end up killing you, please send your address so I can come to your house and rifle through your possessions.

    Don’t stop believin’,

    – Dr. V

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  • When should I have “The Talk” with my kids about velociraptors?

    Hi there, was wondering what would be the appropriate age to have “the talk” with my kids about velociraptors?

    Thanks, Carol B.

    Dear Carol Bee (Bzzzzz….),

    It’s good to see somebody out there finally being a responsible parent and terrifying their kids at a young age. It’s a scary world out there, what with the economy, Glenn Beck, and reality TV, so the earlier you introduce those rugrats to pure reptile horror, the less likely they are to end up dead (or on reality TV).

    The right age to teach your kids about the dangers of roving raptors is eight. I find that kids younger than that can’t pronounce the word “velociraptor” correctly. Sure, its adorable when kids mispronounce big words, but I don’t need a bunch of six-year-olds running around screaming their heads off about “las rappers”. That steals focus from the real problem at hand.

    Fortunately, Carlos, you don’t need to have “The Talk” at all, because there is already an award-winning documentary about the dangers of raptors. It’s called Jurassic Park, and it’s available at your local video store. Rent that sucker and sit your kids down on the couch. After two or three viewings, they will have absorbed all the raptor preparedness they’ll ever need.

    It’s possible that your kids aren’t quite eight yet, and thus not ready for raptor training. In the meantime just keep packing bacon in their school lunches, and encourage them to make some fat friends. Raptors love fatties.

    Keep on truckin’,

    - Doc V.

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  • Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth?

    Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth?

    Also, Isn’t it true that velociraptors travel in packs?  I saw this on Jurassic park.  If so, I might need more bacon.

    Also, does packaged jerky work?

    Thanks.

    Justin

    Holy crap with the questions there, Justin! What ever happened to one man, one vote?

    Question the first: There is a reason man invented a special whistling device. This is because people can only whistle so loud, and since raptors don’t have ears they might not be distracted enough to not eat you. I guess you could try “Whistling Dixie”. That song is pretty annoying and should make anything but a Southern raptor turn away in disgust.

    Question the second: Yes, it is true raptors travel in groups. The correct name for a group of raptors is not a “pack”, but a “manslaughter”. Good luck with that.

    Question the third: Commercially available jerky is wildly uneven in quality. Some jerkies are dryer than tree branches in a California wildfire, while others are tasty and delicious. If you live in an area where bacon is unavailable, you could try Slim-Jims. Those are greasy enough to entice even the most jaded reptile.

    Thanks for not asking four questions,

    Doctor V, M.D.

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  • How can I tell if my boss is a velociraptor?

    I suspect my boss, John, is a velociraptor, before I stake him through the heart how can I be sure?

    Thanks.

    Steve B

    Having a velociraptor for a boss is a sticky situation. He could fire you at any time, or he could just eat your face. Here are some ways to tell if your boss if a raptor.

    1. Bring a slab of raw bacon to work and put it on your desk. If it turns up missing, your boss is probably a raptor. If he tells you to get rid of it, he’s probably still a raptor and is trying to get you to throw it out so he can fish it out of the trash later.
    2. Lace your boss’s food with habanero pepper extract. If he is a raptor (or a very large bird) he won’t react to it because dinosaurs aren’t sensitive to capsaicin.
    3. The next time your boss gives you an unpleasant assignment, blow a whistle very loudly and run away. If you find that your boss has disappeared into the jungle in search of prey, he’s probably a raptor. If you come back to your desk and he’s standing there scowling at you, you’re probably fired.

    Of course, in this down economy, having a raptor for a boss might just be an acceptable risk. If you are eaten by raptor, your next-of-kin can collect double life insurance. You’ll still be dead, but your relatives will thank you.

    Keep it real,

    - Doc V.

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  • Raptors and Swine Flu

    Lots of people are curious about the connection between raptors and the Swine Flu (pro-tip: there isn’t one).

    I’ve read that eating extra bacon can boost my immune system and protect me from, among other things, the Swine Flu.  Is that a fact or just another myth perpetrated by the Bacon Lobby?  The reason I ask is, if I eat all of my bacon, I will be left defenseless against velociraptors and I fear blowing my whistle without backing it up with bacon will actually attract velociraptors to me instead of giving me time to escape.

    Thanks.

    Steve B

    Can you contract the Swine Flu from sharing a restroom with a velociraptor?

    Thanks.

    Mr. Name Withheld

    Dear Nitwit-helds,

    A velociraptor is not a swine. Velociraptors eat swine, but eating pork is not a cause of swine flu. Bacon, as a pork product, will neither cause nor prevent swine flu, but it will make you delightfully obese.

    You needn’t worry about running out of bacon, as the Bacon Lobby has plans to manufacture it from third world children in the event of a pig shortage.

    My sources tell me that swine flu was invented by Rush Limbaugh to sell more copies of his latest book, The Necronomicon. As long as you don’t share the restroom with him, you’ll be fine.

    Keep on truckin’,

    Dr. V.

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  • Velociraptor vs. Cassowary: Taking All Bets and All Your Money

    This site talks about the most terrifying bird on Earth. How would it stack up to a Velociraptor?

    http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/cassowary-terryfying-bird-earth/10022

    Lame bird fact: A CASSOWARY is a stupid blue turkey from New Gondwanaland that lives in the mountains and sometimes kicks people with its mighty turkey feet. A cassowary once accidentally killed a 13-year-old boy during the Great Depression, when everybody was already weak from hunger and lack of stock options. Due to this single historical fluke, some asshat scientists dare to call the cassowary the deadliest bird ever.

    Totally awesome fact: A VELOCIRAPTOR is a rockin’ dinosaur from the Paleozoic era that lives in the shadows and kills millions of healthy and non-depressed people annually. Its claws are harder than iron and sharper than rocks. Velociraptors can’t fly, but if they could, you can bet there would be no other animals left on earth, not even your precious cassowaries.

    Mazel tov, and thanks for all the turkey,

    - Dr. V

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  • Can Velociraptors disguise themselves as humans to prey on them?

    I’ve been suspecting some “humans” are velociraptors for a while now. Kenny Rogers and Karl Rove specifically.
    - Chris

    Dear Chrispus (Attucks),

    Sorry it took me so long to answer your question! I had to consult with top minds, which was hard because I don’t know any, so I finally just made something up. Here are the facts:

    - Velociraptors are cold-blooded
    - Karl Rove is cold-blooded
    - Velociraptors like to feast on the blood of the innocent
    - Karl Rove eats a live puppy every day for breakfast
    - Velociraptors lurk in the shadows waiting to pounce on their prey
    - Karl Rove lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce on liberals and cheeseburgers
    - Velociraptors can be momentarily diverted with bacon and whistles
    - Karl Rove can’t be diverted, even by bacon and a court order
    - Velociraptors have three fingers on each hand
    - Karl Rove has at least five fingers on each grasping claw

    Conclusion: Karl Rove is a raptor who has somehow learned to dress himself and gained executive privilege. He should be considered extremely dangerous.

    In the matter of Kenny Rogers…. Come on! Have you seen that guy lately?!?!!  He looks like Joan Rivers with a goatee. Definitely not a raptor.

    Kenny Rogers, circa 2007
    image

    Keep on truckin!

    - Doc V.

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  • Which World Leaders Promote Velociraptor Safety and Awareness?

    Dear Velociready—

    Which world leaders have an actual stance on

    1. the threat of Velociraptor Domination?
    2. the tyranny of the powerful Bacon Lobby which continues to put a stop to my bacon/raptor research?

    Your assistance in these matters is greatly appreciated. As I’m sure you are aware, we are running out of time.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Peemkaew

    Dear Pemmican,

    The following world leaders have anti-raptor policies:

    1. Winston Churchill
    2. Nikita Khrushchev
    3. Sayonara Tojo

    These leaders have pro-raptor policies:

    1. Kim Il-Sung
    2. Bill Pullman, who played the president in “Independence Day”

    According to Barb, who is always trying to rain down facts on my parade of happiness, all of the leaders listed above are now out of power, dead, or not real. I guess that means that velociraptor defense is in the hands of ordinary Joe the Plumbers and Tito the Neurosurgeonamancers. Wait, not Joe the Plumber. I hate that guy.

    The Bacon Lobby is financed by two of history’s greatest monsters, Bob Evans and the ghost of Jimmy Dean. No leader in the world would dare stand up to them.

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  • So who is the true authority on this subject, you or this guy?

    So who is the true authority on this subject, you or this guy: http://www.velociraptors.info?

    I have suspicions that this site is actually made my Velociraptors. Should I be concerned?

    First of all, this site was definitely not made by raptors. Raptors don’t know how to touch type, so they have to dictate everything to a secretary. And good luck finding a secretary that will work for raptors!

    Second, there can be more than one authority in a certain field. Think of me and this other guy as the pope and Billy Graham. I forget which one of us is which. But I’m definitely not Billy Graham.

    This other guy doesn’t promote the Blow, Throw, and Go method, but I give him credit for promoting velociraptor attack awareness.

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  • What makes you such an expert on velociraptors and bacon anyhow?

    It all dates back to a traumatic experience I had when I was twelve. I was walking in a clearing in the forest with my best friend, when suddenly a velociraptor came crashing through the trees.

    The raptor came from the left, and reached my friend first. My friend tried to defend himself, but all he had was a kazoo and a stale bagel. He blew the kazoo, but no sound came out because a kazoo is not a real instrument and nobody knows how to play them anyway. Then he threw the bagel, but the raptor was not impressed. Seconds later, the raptor pulled out my friend’s spine and yelled “FATALITY!” like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. I made up that last part, but that would have made the whole thing either less or more traumatic.

    After my friend died, I swore I would teach the whole world what to do in case of raptor attack so that the terrible tragedy that befell my friend would never happen again. I spent three years in a bus station in New Jersey, researching various methods of distracting bums. Bums are like practice raptors, by the way. They have the same reptile brain and zesty odors as a raptor, but without the deadly claws.

    Finally, I gave up and took the bus back to Manitoba. Two weeks after I got home, I was walking through the same woods when I heard a rustle, and suddenly the same raptor that killed my friend leapt out from behind a bush. I could tell it was the same raptor because he had a birthmark on his right haunch that looked like Roger Ebert.

    As it just so happens, I was carrying a whistle from my job as a part-time lifeguard at the Dairy Queen, and half a pound of bacon from same. I blew the whistle, threw the bacon, and that raptor took off running like a dog chasing a truck full of Milk-bones being driven by Toonces the cat from Saturday Night Live. I escaped with my life, and then I started this website in remembrance of my dead friend, Pope John Paul II. That’s right, he died of a raptor attack.

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  • Bacon lobby? Isn’t the whistle lobby far more dangerous and powerful?

    What kind of lobbyist would drive all the way to Washington to represent whistles? Get real.

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  • Why does the mainstream media continue to ignore the raptor threat?

    Because raptors don’t act all wild like Paris Hilton. They keep it on the down low.

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  • The Bacon Lobby

    Isn’t it true this site is actually written, maintained and funded by velociraptors as part of a global misinformation campaign perpetrated by the bacon lobby?

    I don’t know where the bacon lobby is, but I want to visit it.

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  • What if you doused yourself in grape juice instead of carrying the SuperSoaker?

    What if you doused yourself in grape juice instead of carrying the SuperSoaker? You could still carry bacon and whistles. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate in protection?

    Fact: Grape juice is sticky and disgusting. Dousing yourself in it might protect you from raptors, but it would also protect you from hanging out with normal people. I wouldn’t let you in my house, because I just got a new couch.

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