Velociraptor Attack Preparedness FAQ’s
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I read that you could repel a velociraptor attack with a SuperSoaker full of grape juice.
I read that you could repel a velociraptor attack with a SuperSoaker full of grape juice. Is this true?
Maybe, if you are some kind of SuperSoaker sniper!
Otherwise the raptor will probably eat you, but leave the grape juice behind. The juice will ferment into wine and squirrels will find it, get all drunk and rowdy, and burn down a nursing home. Think about that before you try and go all Rambo.
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Are there alternatives to the blow, throw, & go method?
This site seems light in the ways to avoid being eaten area, which I feel is extremely important. Are there alternatives to the blow, throw, go method?
Yes, probably! Try some, and if you survive, write back.
If you do get eaten, I will come to your house and rifle through your possessions. Please send your address.
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Will a dog whistle work against velociraptors?
No, raptors are not dogs.
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What about ham?
I dunno, it’s your funeral.
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Does Canadian bacon work, or does it have to be regular?
Canadian bacon works, but only on Canadian raptors.
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After raptors, what is the next deadliest thing known to man?
The list of “world’s deadliest whatsits” is as follows:
- Velociraptors (duh)
- A shark riding an elephant
- Blue whales (the flying kind only)
- Zombies
- That chick from ”The View” who at first glance looks hot but is actually a raving right-wing lunatic
- Clowns
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Which is deadlier, velociraptors or ninjas?
Get a life.
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Which is deadlier, velociraptors or spider monkeys?
I don’t know, but I saw a dead spider monkey on Discovery Channel. I’ve never seen a dead raptor.
Update: Like a week after I wrote this, the show “Jurassic Fight Club” showed a raptor getting killed in a fight against a stegosaurus or something. Obviously that show is written by nitwits. I challenge them to a duel.
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Which are larger – raptors, llamas, or frogs?
Raptors are larger than all but the biggest frogs. Llamas are not real, so I will not even consider them. Raptors do not tolerate people wearing sombreros.
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Do velociraptors like music?
Yes! Velociraptors listen to gangsta rap and 80’s girlie pop. Leading scientists believe that the reason velociraptors are so angry is because they have “Mickey” by Toni Basil stuck in their heads all the time.
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What do raptors do for entertainment?
Just like people, all raptors are different. Some raptors enjoy playing racquetball. With human heads. Others enjoy cooking…human heads.
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Can velociraptors talk?
Yes, but only in Dutch. Also they can whistle.
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Do raptors like cheese?
Raptors are not picky. They will eat cheese in a pinch, but they prefer to eat your soul.
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Is it true raptors have a prehensile tail?
Yes, if by prehensile you mean deadly, and by tail you mean claws.
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Can velociraptors climb trees?
Velociraptors don’t need to climb trees. Their cold reptilian stare can wither mighty oaks.
Send your questions to questions@velociready.org
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